'Tis the Season

Is anyone else as ready for Christmas as I am!? I'm sitting here (in our Private Study room), listening to Christmas music from the Muppet Christmas Carol soundtrack and wishing it was Christmas already! I'm so ready for it! The year feels like it should be over already! Gosh! *Sigh.* Ok, four more weeks and it'll be Christmas time. Eeeeee! I can't wait!!!!

After all, there's only 42 sleeps till Christmas...

In Gauge Meant

*Big sigh.*
Engagement Parties are hard. I mean, I'm glad my sister's getting married and everything, and I'm so happy for her. But I feel like I've been working non-stop all week. And I know that my mum (and my sister) would say that that's ridiculous, and that I've hardly done any work at all and all that. But seriously. I'm tired. Really, really tired. And I have a non-stop headache. Consistent. Constantly. It's only a little bit frustrating, waking up in the morning, sitting up in bed and discovering, "Oh, right, headache still here." Hand to head, wince, get out of bed anyway, to be confronted with more work.

Ok, the thing is, this happens. When we have parties, this happens. And we have parties. We have a really party-friendly house. It's just the way our house is. So we have parties. And this stuff happens. But I just finished Year 11, right, last Friday. And, granted the year wasn't as long as it normally is, but it was long enough, and busy enough, that I was really relieved to have a week off to relax. But there's been minimal relaxation time. And yes, I know my mum is incapacitated at the moment, due to surgery, but what about my entire life?

See, I'm starting Year 12 next Wednesday. And to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. After we were lectured at, about how we should be doing three hours of homework a night, five nights a week in Year 12, and how we should fit in 36 hours of homework over the summer (yeah, sure, 36 hours spread of 6 weeks, no big deal, right? That's more hours than are in an entire day), the summer which I always thought was supposed to be a break from school: sorry, my bad.

When do I get a break?! When do I get to just... I don't know. Chill for two seconds without someone screaming at me to do something?

I can't do it anymore. I'm drained. I'm done. I'm just... dead. I cannot do it anymore.

I Belong to You

Wow. The last five months have been a super journey, and I haven't even been documenting them. How stupid is that! Wow, remind me to document the next year of my life... it's gonna be a big one.
So. I finished Year 11 last Friday. Or, well, I guess I actually finished on Wednesday, when I finished all my exams, but my last day of being in Year 11 was last Friday. And I have to say, it feels good to have that over and done with.
With Year 12 looming on the horizon, which is getting closer and closer (it's actually next Wednesday, as we're starting the year early to get more work done), I feel like maybe it's all just a bit too much. It's not the only thing I'm dealing with right now... in fact, it's not even the most important thing I'm dealing with right now. But I am dealing with it, or I will be in a week.
And what else can I do? Quit school? Not an option. So, I guess I'll just deal.

The thing is, the great thing is, I'm not alone. And God says He won't ever give us more than we can handle, with His help. So...

I'll deal.

P.S. OmigoshmysisterisgettingmarriedandIcannotwaittilltheweddingeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

I don't even EAT PORK!

Mood: Frustrated - Rant
Listening to: D.A.N.C.E by Justice
Reading: Princess Diaries: Ten out of Ten
Watching: Once
Playing/Singing: Concone Opus 9 Study 3
Eating: Nerds
Drinking: Water

Wow. I know. It's been a long time.
I've been quarantined. For the Swine Flu.
Yeah. A friend of mine caught it. And so now I have to stay home for seven days. And it's my birthday tomorrow.
Wow. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
I can't even LEAVE MY HOUSE! I just have to SIT HERE for seven days, while my friends (those who weren't also quarantined) are doing exams and having fun hanging out with PEOPLE! GOSH! I HATE THE SWINE FLU!!!!!! It SUCKS! Seriously.
Anyway.
Rant over.
So it's my Birthday tomorrow (for which, by the way, I can't leave my HOUSE!). I'm turning 17. What do I have to say about being 17?
Well, just that, for some reason, it sounds a LOT older than 16.
And also: I am exactly like Mia Thermopolis. Which is weird. As.

I've got nothing to say...

Mood: pain
Listening to: Steer by Missy Higgins
Reading: Dark Lover by J. R. Ward
Watching: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Playing: Breathe by Taylor Swift
Eating: Veggies and bread
Drinking: Chamomile tea

What is it with headaches and their ability to incapacitate you? I mean, that's not a very nice thing to do, is it?

I had Deb practice after school today. It was... I don't know. I had a headache, so I probably didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do... it was... tedious.

The thing is, I actually don't have anything to say. I just wanted to say... well, something. I felt like blogging... and yet, there's nothing to say...

Where, O Death, is thy sting?

There's never enough time for anything! Why is that? I just find my time disappearing down the drain before I can even register that it's there, before I can even do something with it. I planned to spend all day today doing my English homework and then my History essay and then, if I had time, my Psychology work. But I haven't done any of that. I mean, granted I did sort of work on homework all day, being on our Philosophy wiki, which sort of counts, but I just can't get motivated to do what I'm supposed to do! My work! I'm so behind and the weekend was when I was supposed to catch up. Last weekend, the weekend before that... and I just keep doing other things. I just keep doing everything else except my homework.
*Sigh.* I need to go have a shower.
S

Steer

You've been played at a game

Called remembering your name

And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know

That you control where you go

You can steer

Oh

And get out of the box

And step into the clear

Oh

'Cause now you finally know

You can steer

Why does everyone bother about... everything? I mean, I was thinking today, I used to get so up in arms about the littlest, stupidest things. And you know, sometimes I react to them in my mind now, but I don't bother saying anything out loud, I don't bother being serious about it. It's like I've suddenly opened my eyes, and realised that I'm just a baby, and I don't know anything and everything I thought was important is nothing.

Even this, right now. Me sitting here wasting my time writing a blog about all of this feels so pointless to me. And I just don't understand my past self. How did I look at anything and see it as important and worth my time. I feel like my whole life has been wasted on nonsense and uselessness.

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."

-Solomon

Ecclesiastes :18

What are you doing New Years, New Years Eve?

It's almost the New Year...

Merry Belated Christmas everyone.

I got a DS. And a Camera. A Camera!!!
I'm going to take lots of photos! I'm so excited.
Well... I hope everyone had a good year and a good Christmas.

"I look into the eyes of love..."

I don't know. I don't know! Gosh! I DON'T KNOW!
I can't stand this. It's like... I just... I need to DO something. More than this. MORE!

Life is so... crap sometimes.

Clinics Run by the Criminally Insane?

"Are we human, or are we denser?"

Hmm. What is a human? I mean, what's the definition? Apparently unborn babies aren't human...

Dr. Seuss said, "A person's a person, no matter how small."

But what's a person?

What makes an unborn baby not a person, or not a human? I mean... it's just, how can people bare to kill something - someone - so utterly helpless!?

Message in a Bottle

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Ok, I'm ok. Just a little... stressed out is all.
Anyone up for giving me a massage? Any kind, I don't mind. A back one, a foot one, a head one... whatever you're up for...

How many people...

Ok, well... um, I'm really annoyed.

My friends all think I'm evil, because John's told them things that aren't true! I told him the truth about everything and he just took it upon himself to assume I was lying! That is not fair!!

What am I supposed to do?! I was honest with him and he just pretended like everything I said was a lie... what more can I do other than tell him the truth?! I've already tried that!

God help.

Twist and Shout!!!

I know it hasn't been long since I posted my last blog... but I just had to talk.

I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. I'm sure I did the right thing.

*Deep breath.*

So, it's kind of like, over. With John.
And I know I've hardly even mentioned him... but I've been reading my old MySpace blogs and I realised how open I used to be and how good it felt... and I wanted to kind of return to that style of bloggingness. Rather than all the cryptic crap, all the time. Obviously, that crops up from time to time, because... well, because sometimes I just feel like that.

But I think I was going out of my way to be mysterious and kind of cool... but that's not what blogging is about, and I used to know that! How did I ever forget?!

I miss venting.

So, John. It just wasn't... right. And, I mean, I haven't even told my parents. I haven't told most of my friends. I've told... well, my brother, and four of my friends. That's like, it. Wait, like, five. And, well, this is huge. I'm not sure I want to tell people though. I mean, I suppose this is kind of telling people... if people even read this.
But you know. I mean telling people. In person. Which is how I'd have to talk to the parentals about it. Not that they'd be super worried... but you know... yeah, look, I don't even know.
*Lets out breath I've been holding for four months.*

I feel much better now.

Free fallin' now I'm free fallin' now I'm...

Ahhh.....

I can breathe again.

Free Fallin'

She's a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America too
She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

It's a long day living in reseda
There's a freeway runnin' through the yard
And I'm a bad boy 'cause I don't even miss her
I'm a bad boy for breakin her heart

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'

All the vampires walkin' through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'
Free fallin', now I'm free fallin', now I'm
Free fallin', now I'm free fallin', now I'm

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin'
Gonna leave this world for a while

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'

So, I do. I am.

So what?

Crystalite

"People just liked it better that way!"

Do you think people look out for themselves first, even when they act like you're more important? Should we trust people when they tell us things about us that we hadn't realised? Did we not realise because we're so self-critical, or because it's not true?

Barack...

I like him.
Really, I do.
It's not the end of the world.
Well, at least, I hope not.

Welcome to Hollywood

Yo.
Lives are precious. Did you know?
Well now you do.

Shining Brow

I love my friends so much it gives me a headache. And makes me feel sick. I feel like Elva. I care so much, I'm sick because of it.

"Only the combined misery of all the men, women, and children within a mile, battering at me like a midnight storm."

You are you. Now isn't that pleasant?

I'm so confused. I don't even know what my own thoughts mean anymore.

One thing seems so clear one moment and the next it's so infinitely complicated that I can't even let it cross my mind without getting a headache.

Other things that used to give me butterflies now give me moths. Make me feel sick. Physically sick to my stomach. And sometimes I just don't believe my past self.

I think that this is the first blog in a while that hasn't been completely nonsensical... Depending on how you look at it I suppose.